You know those mornings when you wake up, and perhaps it’s because the sun has not even risen yet, but it’s more that the heart has been dark since even the night before, and it feels a bit anxious and empty? Those mornings when even your cup of coffee is not quite hot enough, and the light is too dim to read anything helpful, but your heart is too dull to absorb anyway.
Sometimes I wonder where God is, and why He left me hanging on a morning like this.
Target is empty. Perhaps a Christmas tune would find its way into my head and slowly melt into my soul. But I left there not even remembering the sound of music at all.
Sometimes I wonder where God is, and if I could just see Him, even quickly catch a glimpse as I push my cart past the home furnishings section…
Walmart is emptier. Not that it wasn’t full of shoppers… I’m just hoping to quickly snatch up a Spider Man action figure for a gift, but I abandon my basket and head back to the car.
God, show yourself, please!
I somewhat aimlessly drive a few miles, in a long gravel drive, put the van in park to idle, then quickly decide to shut it off. I enter the back door, the one reserved for people comfortable enough to enter without knocking.
Through the glass, my brother’s frame is moving to the sound of the guitar molded to his hands. Already I feel lighter. I slide open the door, he finishes a few measures and grins at me with that smile of his. Mom calls from down the hall.
I just came to see how his test went, to inquire of her about a milk delivery, to seek comfort in the rocking chair next to the Christmas tree.
But really I’ve come because I’m lonely, and God didn’t really seem to pull through today, because what I really need is a voice I can hear, someone’s arms about me in a hug, the sound of music, a conversation.
Then, as I’m there, God shows up. He brought me the music. He called comfortingly down the hall. He put his arms around me. He talked to me in the kitchen. And the tears came, yes because I had been lonely, but also because here was God, giving me himself to see in a little (taller than me) brother, the one with a trimmed beard wearing pajama pants and holding a guitar, handing me a tissue. And here was God, listening to me as she washed up mugs in the sink, conversing with me as He spoke his very own words from the book of James with her familiar voice. They didn’t need to say much. They just needed to be there, because He was there.
Of course He was with me all morning, but He was merciful enough to meet me in my humanity through other humans today. He sent me out of Target and Walmart, still searching, so I would end up in that little kitchen with people who were the hands and voice of Himself on a morning when I just felt like I needed to see Him, and my heart was just a bit too dark and dull to notice that He had been with me the whole time.